uk state of mind

Dear humans of my life that I love,

I write this to you as I wait for my hot water heater to heat up so that I can take a hot shower before bed (yes, we live in colonial times here at 69 the forum).  I write this to you exhausted, inspired, stressed, and sorry.  

I am sorry if…

- I have been crap at keeping up with this blog
- I have ever scheduled a video-chat date with you and it has fallen through
- I did not send you a card on your birthday
- I do not always return your calls
- I say I am coming to pub quiz and then… don’t
- I do not always “reply all” to the reply-all emails (or if I do I am the last one)
- I do not respond to your gchat
- I have not sent you a postcard
- I have said I am coming to pub lunch and then flake out b/c I can’t even fathom the thought of moving off the couch and into a vertical position 
- I have just flat-out not kept in touch
- (this one is for my mom) We don’t talk half as much as we used to
- You have ever felt that you are not important to me, because you are. 

I am having a huge struggle right now with the work/life balance.  I figured if nothing else, I would project this struggle into the blogosphere (or whatever) in the hopes of feeling better.  It isn’t working yet…  

Never in my life have I worked so hard, so long, so tirelessly, and so passionately.  City Year is something that is not meant to be understood, it is meant to be experienced and felt.  If you cannot understand why on Earth anyone would ever commit so much time and tears and headaches to something, then come to a service day.  If you cannot understand why anyone would wake up aiming to be at work by 8am and usually not leaving until 7pm, then come and tutor a kid with me and run an after-school arts and crafts club.  If you cannot understand why it seems as if I have fallen off the face of the Earth, then ask.  I will tell you.  

These are not excuses or reasons for people to allow me to get away with being flakey or unreliable.  This is me pouring out my heart b/c I feel so far away from so many people that I love (at home and in London) and I want you all to know that, even when I may not show it, I am thinking of and missing all of you very very much.

~Nan